I can't linger around your door anymore

  Every flaw I love in you except your absence - Mahmoud Darwish  I don’t think this is something I'm writing for myself, I think this is an apology letter to everyone I've hurt with my absence, with my remoteness and trust me I've tried, I've tried everything to save energy for you, I've read all possible articles on how I could be a present friend, I've taken pills to keep myself running, I've tried honey and those protein bars, I've tried to meditate thrice a day to listen to how your day went, everyday, at the end of it, I've cut down on all the brief intimate moments I have with the world, to prove it to you that it's not on you that I'm finding it hard to talk to people, I cut them off like I was on a strict diet but to my misfortune, nothing works, I still end up exhausting myself to the point of a breakdown.  I cannot make empty promises of being present, I'm distant in nature and it doesn’t let me defy it but I can promise to att...

I’m a glass jar, a glass jar which was previously filled with the blood of corrupt institutionalists, unhealed parents and of all the indoctrinated parts of myself which were against me. To my luck, a young bird pushed me off the edge of the table and now I'm not a glass jar, I'm in pieces, I've no soft edges until I'm softly picked. I’m sharp, cruel and I don't want to admit this but I'm selfish but oh god, please don’t ask me to pick these pieces already, please don’t love me, i don’t have anything to store your love in and you might just step on one of my pieces, you’ll end up bleeding. I've spent too many years as a jar hidden behind several other things, I've spent too many years without this air that everyone is apparently breathing in. I've dug myself from inside, I've lived off of that for way too long now. This is my beautiful history.  For now, I'm becoming the larger remains of my destruction and this time, when I'm glued toget...

If I think about it, I'm kind of like dark coffee, I'm hot water, profoundly brewed cocoa seeds and no sugar.  I’m an unforgiving person but also someone who has forgiven their parents again and again, despite them not deserving it. I'm also someone who has forgiven people numerous times, to my saturation, until the kid in me, kneeled and asked me to stop. I’m also someone who has whispered to her embossed wounds to stay hidden. I've covered them with Band-Aids, with the thickest cloth you can find, with my skin. I’ve let those wounds melt my bones, I've let those wounds reach my enamel and let it chip. I’ve adorned the damage they did, with roses, with tulips, with daisies and sunflowers, with every possible flower you can imagine. I used my expensive perfume to make it smell beautiful, I added milk in this dark coffee, I made sure the tiny particles of fats and proteins in that milk reflects every colour they want it to reflect, I've burned myself into ashes f...